


If I Were A Monster

by starlight_starbright



Series: the sun and the black hole [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Blood, Gore, Hurt No Comfort, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Steve Rogers, Sexual Abuse (Past), Violence, until the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 21:42:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6131023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlight_starbright/pseuds/starlight_starbright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve hadn't realised what he'd done until the rage faded.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Were A Monster

**Author's Note:**

> And here you have it! The ending in Steve's POV.
> 
> Title from the Almost.
> 
> If I were a monster,  
> Would you wince  
> When you looked at me?  
> If I were a freak, would you stare?  
> If I were a leper,  
> Would you say unclean?  
> If I was lost,  
> Would you help me get free?

_If I can shield you from this, I will._

Steve leaves the note on the bed, regretting his lies even as he carries them out. He hadn't necessarily told Bucky that he'd wait for him, that he was going to sleep, but half-truths are still lying, and he'd never wanted to lie to Bucky. It makes his stomach knot to think that Bucky will come home and see their bed empty and cold, Steve no where to be found.  

Bucky will feel betrayed and alone and angry and scared. He'll be furious with Steve for going by himself, but Steve needs to do this. 

He wasn't lying when he wrote that note. He'll protect Bucky from this if he can. He doesn't know what he's going to do when he gets there. Is he going to kill them? Is he going to scare them into leaving Bucky alone? Is he going to rip them apart and leave their bodies for the scavengers? He doesn't know. All he can see is red when he thinks about the things they did to Bucky. 

Brock Rumlow sexually abused Bucky for years, and then pretended to be Steve's friend on the STRIKE team. Steve had laughed and joked around with him, had trusted him, and all the while Rumlow knew where Bucky was. Was _hurting_ him. 

Steve wants to tear him apart. Wants to tear the limbs off of his body and watch him bleed. He wants to gouge his eyes out and pull his nails out and rip the skin off of his body slice by slice. He wants to do to Rumlow what he did to Bucky, but he won't. He'll do anything but that. Because no one, not even an abuser, deserves to be abused like that. Steve never wants to take that away from someone.  

He doesn't want to become a monster.  

He doesn't want HYDRA to turn him into a monster. 

So Steve starts driving after glancing at the route on a map. He tries to calm down as he drives, but the closer he gets, the more angry he is. The image of Bucky strapped down and helpless surfaces in his mind, fuelling his rage. The sound of his lover screaming for mercy, pleading for death like Steve has heard Bucky do in his sleep. He can't escape it, and he can only imagine how it feels for Bucky. 

James Barnes, who is the kindest man Steve has ever met. James Barnes who befriended little sickly Steve, who went out in snow storms to get Steve's medicines, who worked three jobs just to put a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs while Steve wheezed and hacked in bed, useless. James Barnes, who was experimented on and still stayed to fight, who faces his attackers head-on right at Steve's side. 

He never deserved it. Any of it. 

If anyone deserves to suffer, it's Steve. For dragging Bucky into this, for subjecting Bucky to brainwashing a cryo for decades. Because if Steve had reached farther, just an inch, maybe two, Bucky wouldn't have fallen. Steve doesn't know what would have happened, but not this. Not this hell that they're currently trapped in. In this kill or be killed world that is the twenty-first century. 

When Steve pulls over for gas, he checks his phone to see five texts, three missed calls, and a voicemail. All from Bucky. 

 **Buck 1:32pm** : Steve, come back home. Don't do this. 

 **Buck 1:39pm:** Please, Stevie.  

 **Buck 1:45pm:** I'm coming after you. You shouldn't be fighting my battles for me. I can do this. 

 **Buck 2:15pm:** Please answer me. I just want to know you're okay. 

 **Buck 3:56pm:** Steve??

Steve's heart hurts reading the messages, and he clicks reply, but quickly hits cancel and gets back on his bike, not listening to the voicemail. He's afraid that the sound of Bucky's voice will make him rethink this. He knows Bucky could do this himself, but Steve wants to. That's what Bucky doesn't understand. 

Steve wants revenge as much as Bucky does. 

He wants to tear Pierce and Rumlow apart and scatter their limbs in the ocean. He wants to bleed them dry and bathe in their blood. He wants them to feel raw, unadulterated fear in their dying moments. And he wants them to know _why_.  

The sun has set by the time Steve gets to the address Tony had given Bucky. It's a country home set back from the road with a long driveway leading up to it. Steve can't believe how lucky he got, to be able to leave his bike out of sight in the driveway. Grabbing his backpack, he unzips the front pocket and pulls out a syringe, tucking it away in his jacket's inside pocket. He'd borrowed it from Bruce—a low-grade sedative. With that done, he walks toward the house, trying to figure out how he's going to go about this.  

Walking around the house, he notices that all of the curtains and blinds are shut and the lights are all off except for in the front room. If he goes in the back, he may be able to catch them off guard, but he doesn't want to bet on that. Not knowing if there's an alarm system or not, he can't just barge in. Standing back on his heels, he tries to think. 

If he goes in the back, he'd have to pick the lock and get through the door without tripping an alarm or tipping off the men inside. If he goes through a window, the breaking of glass would bring attention to his presence. 

 _Fuck it_ , he decides, going to the back of the house and pulling out the lock pick kit he'd borrowed from Tony. He hasn't picked a lock in a long time, but he gets it done quickly and quietly, turning the knob of the door and opening it slowly. Every muscle in his body is tense, waiting for the blare of an alarm or someone to come shooting at him, but it's just silent.  

Moving through the house, he finds both men in the front room, a lamp by the window illuminating the room. Both of them are on the couch—one on each end. Steve needs to take Rumlow out first since he has military training, and then go for Pierce. He knows he needs to knock them both out quickly and quietly so he can set the room up, so he goes in. Taking the syringe out of his pocket, he creeps up behind the brunet and shoves the needle in his neck, pressing half of the liquid into his bloodstream before either men can react. 

"Don't do anything rash, Captain Rogers," Pierce warns, backing up with his hands up until his back hits the wall. Steve grins menacingly, showing his teeth. 

"I'd say you've had this coming to you for a while now," Steve says, approaching slowly. "It's time to pay penance." And then Steve throws his free hand out, blocking Pierce's head from turning and sticking the needle in his neck, pushing down. The look of fear on the man's face only fuels Steve's rage, and he sees red for a moment before shaking it off and getting to work. 

-

Once both men are tied up, gagged, and all the plastic is down—he'd bought it at a hardware store with no cameras with cash and in a disguise so it can't be traced back to him—Steve ties Rumlow to a chair. Literally straps him down like Rumlow had done to Bucky so many times. He wants Rumlow to feel fear like Bucky did. 

He grabs a plastic tub from under the sink in the bathroom and fills it with water, placing Rumlow's feet into it. Next, he strips the wiring from a lamp carefully, like he's seen Tony do so many times down in the lab. By the time he's done with that, both men are starting to come to, and Steve steels himself. He can't help but feel a slight bit of joy at the terrified look on Pierce's face. 

Rumlow, on the other hand, is already trying to get free. 

"Can't have that, now can we?" Steve says, almost to himself, as he dips the wire into the water. Steve can tell Rumlow wants to scream, but he doesn't. The cords in his neck are bulging, a vein in his forehead popping out, face turning red. And Steve doesn't want him to pass out again, so he pulls the wire out and gives the man a break, moving on to Pierce. He looks like he wants to say something, and so Steve pulls the gag down and out of his mouth. 

"Please," the older man begs, looking Steve in the eye. "Please just let me go." 

"Is that what Bucky asked you to do?" Steve snarls. "To let him go? To stop hurting him?" Anger flows through his veins, fuelling him. "I want you to beg for your life. I want you to feel the seventy years worth of pain and suffering that you inflicted on him." 

"That wasn't just me!" Pierce argues, and Steve is getting annoyed now. He pulls the gag back up and when Pierce tries to fight back, Steve lands a hard punch to his gut. Turning back to Rumlow, Steve takes out a knife and cuts the man's shirt off, throwing it onto the floor. 

He's struggling, trying to get away, but Steve isn't having it. He touches the raw wire to Rumlow's neck this time, just for a second, before pulling it back. The brunet is panting now, and Steve smiles and pulls the gag down.  

"How does it feel being the powerless one?" Steve asks. "How did it make you feel knowing you were taking advantage of an innocent man?" 

"He isn't innocent," Rumlow gasps out. "He's a murderer." And that was the wrong thing to say. Steve takes the knife and slides it across Rumlow's chest, pressing down enough to hurt and draw blood, but not enough to cut anything vital. He wants this to last.  

"If he is a murderer, it's because HYDRA made him into one," Steve spits. "You made him into one." Steve cuts again, this time over Rumlow's abdomen. The brunet sucks in a breath, but stays silent. "You abused him," Steve says, making another cut. "You raped him," he growls, punctuated with a stab to the stomach. "You erased everything he was and made him believe he wasn't worthy of love or kindness." 

"Because he isn't," Pierce says from across the room.  

"You're bothering me," Steve says to the blond, pulling out his gun and firing without even looking. The gun makes a small noise, but since it's Bucky's, it has a built-in silencer. Steve definitely doesn't want to draw attention to himself. 

"Now that that's out of the way," Steve murmurs, putting the gun down and picking up the set of tweezers he'd brought. "Let's get down to business." Steve replaces Rumlow's gag and takes his left hand. The brunet tries to pull away, and Steve makes a small tsk in the back of his throat. "You know better than to think you're stronger than me," Steve chastises, and Steve finally gets the satisfaction of Rumlow showing fear as he pinches the brunet's right thumbnail and pulls. 

"Steve," Rumlow gasps, and Steve takes him by the throat. 

"You don't call me that," Steve hisses, shoving on the brunet's throat so that his head knocks back into the chair. With every scream from the other man's lips, Steve feels more and more satisfied. 

By the time Rumlow has been stripped of all of his fingernails, there are tears running down his cheeks and a small pool of blood under the chair. Steve checks the time and knows he has to hurry this up, but then Rumlow speaks again. 

"He never said no," Rumlow says, and Steve's head snaps up. "He never once told me no." And that's it, Steve's done. He rips Rumlow's bindings apart and throws him to the ground.  

"Let me tell you something about rape," Steve says. " _No answer_ isn't _yes_. _Maybe_ isn't _yes_. If you don't know, if you don't hear a _yes_ , that's rape." And then Steve gets really close to Rumlow's face and presses his knife to the brunet's corroded. "You knew, don't even try to lie to me. He wasn't capable of saying _yes_ or _no_. You had hurt him so many times that he just did as he was told. He knew if he didn't, you would hurt him. But no matter how well he followed orders, you abused him. You took advantage of someone who wasn't capable of fighting back. You think that makes you a man?"  

Steve hadn't realised what he'd done until the rage faded. He hadn't realised Rumlow was dead until he stepped back. He hadn't realised his hands were red with blood until he looked down to see Rumlow's ribs sticking out of his back. He hadn't even realised what he'd been doing, and now that the ferocity has passed, Steve almost feels sick looking at the scene in front of him. 

But his inner monster is satisfied.  

And Bucky will be safe now. 

- 

Steve is in the bathroom trying to scrub the blood off of his hands and arms. When he looks into the mirror, he barely recognises himself. He's never killed someone in cold blood before, even if they deserved it. 

And what's bothering him isn't that he just killed two people. He honestly doesn't give a fuck about either of the men lying dead just in the other room. In fact, he's quite happy that they're dead. 

No, what's bothering him is Bucky. How Bucky will look at him, how Bucky will see him with blood covering his face, his arms, his clothes. Will Bucky look at him and see a monster? A murderer? Will Bucky finally realise that Steve is broken? 

His breathing hitches and he scrubs harder, watching the bloody water splash up onto the sink and stain the porcelain. Bucky is angry with him. And while that's nothing new, this will be a new kind of anger. The kind of anger that Steve never wanted to be on the other end of. Because Bucky will not only be angry with Steve for doing this without him, but he will also be disappointed. Or at least, that's what Steve is assuming. 

And nothing is worse than disappointing the person you love. 

Steve doesn't even want to imagine how Bucky is going to look at him. 

And well, he's about to find out. Because the door just opened and there are footsteps coming towards him. He knows it's Bucky, knows the pattern of his footsteps. Knows that he's not alone, that Natasha is also here. 

Steve just keeps scrubbing, his hands now almost raw as he tries to get the blood off of his face and upper arms. He hears Bucky step into the room, but doesn't look at him. 

"Heya, Stevie," he says softly, coming up behind Steve. "Why don't we just shower, yeah?" Bucky asks. Steve ignores him, still not ready to look at his boyfriend's face, until Bucky reaches out to stop the vigorous movement of Steve's hands. "Let's get you outta these clothes, okay?" And Steve finally looks up, unable to believe in the compassion saturating Bucky's voice. Steve just nods, and Bucky starts taking their clothes off. 

He sends a text, probably to Natasha, and then throws their clothes outside of the door. Steve's just watching him, waiting for the anger that he deserves. The lecture, the _Steve, you idiot, what made you think you could go this alone, why would you do this._

"C'mon, baby," Bucky whispers, taking Steve's arm and tugging him into the shower. Steve's eyes are now on his feet, unable to look at Bucky any longer. Because the last thing Steve deserves his Bucky being _nice_.  

"Buck," Steve pleads, trying to put all of the turmoil he's feeling into that one syllable. 

"Yeah, Stevie," Bucky murmurs, stroking Steve's hair as he finally lets the tears flow. "I'm right here." And then Bucky's arms go around him and Steve hides his face in Bucky's neck. 

"I'm sorry," Steve whispers. "I'm so sorry." Huffing a sigh, Bucky coaxes Steve's face up. 

"I know, Stevie," he replies. "I know. Let's just get you cleaned up and out of here, okay?" Steve nods and Bucky kisses his forehead. Just a soft kiss, but it feels like acceptance. 

Bucky produces clothes almost out of nowhere, handing Steve a shirt, briefs, and pants to change into. Steve does so mindlessly, fumbling with the zip on his pants until Bucky just does it for him. Somehow, he got dressed in the ten seconds Steve was looking down, and then he's pulling Steve out of the bathroom. 

"Burning everything now," Natasha says as they emerge. "Take him to a hotel and text me the address." Guilt washes through Steve. They're cleaning up after him. 

"Nat," Bucky says, but the redhead waves him off. 

"Go. I'll catch up." She smiles gently and both of them, and Bucky takes his hand. 

"Where are your keys, baby?" Bucky asks, and Steve nods at his shoes. He'd put them in there when he'd put all the plastic down. Bucky grabs the keys and tosses them to Nat before handing Steve the shoes to put on. 

They get into a truck and drive wordlessly to a hotel. Bucky takes Steve's hand when they get out of the car, and Steve feels the tension in his body ease a bit. And while that anchors him while Bucky checks them in, Steve is still panicking. _He's touching me, he's touching me. What does that mean? Isn't he angry with me? He should be angry with me. He never had a choice when HYDRA made him a monster. When they made him a murderer. I had a choice, I chose to murder two people. And I don't regret it. What does that make me? How can he be touching me?_

He hadn't realised they'd made it into a room until he hears the door close behind them. Steve curls up on the bed, pulling Bucky to sit down while Steve latches on around his waist. The brunet just huffs and lays down, taking Steve into his arms. _He's touching me, he's touching me, he's still here, he still loves me. He loves me, he loves me._

"I'm okay," Steve murmurs. He feels the need to clarify that. That he doesn't regret it. "I just . . . fell apart for a minute there." And Steve does feel better--here, in Bucky's arms. 

"You shouldn't have gone without me," Bucky chastises gently. "Should've waited for me. You didn't have to do it on your own." Turning around, Steve pointedly glares at Bucky.  

"I wanted to." He's almost offended that Bucky thinks he would do this against his will.  

"I know, but—" 

"I wanted to make him pay for what he did to you," Steve interrupts him. "And I'm not sorry that I killed them. Just . . . didn't expect for it to happen the way it did. To get that out of control." Steve is slightly irritated now, but also trying to convince Bucky that he's really fine. 

"Well, as long as you're okay . . ." Bucky says hesitantly. Steve runs a hand through his hair before settling back down and looking up at his boyfriend. 

"It's over now," Steve mutters. "It's over. Without leadership, anyone left is going to scatter. We took out all of their higher-ups. I just . . . They deserved it, Buck." Steve is basically pleading at Bucky to understand now. He needs Bucky to know that he didn't force Steve to do this, that he doesn't have to feel guilty. 

"I know they did," Bucky whispers. "They would have been put on death row anyway. You just . . . sped that up a little." The brunet touches their lips together before pressing a kiss to his forehead. "You didn't have to, but I'm glad that they're gone." 

"I love you," Steve says, nuzzling into Bucky's arms. "I love you so much." He needs Bucky to _know_.  

"I love you, too, Stevie." Bucky's arms tighten and Steve sighs, letting his eyes close. "More than you know. We're gonna be okay, baby." 

And Steve dares to hope that he's right. 


End file.
